Deep emotional conflict
by Spock-Thyla34564
Summary: I've already postet this Story at KS Archive, but I decided to post it here too.  Spock has to deal with a psychic trauma from his childhood and his love for Jim.  Warnings: Lemon, rape  I really hope for some reviews, it's my first fanfic.


**Deep emotional conflict **

Commander Spock has served on the USS Enterprise under Captain James T. Kirk as first officer and science officer for nearly one year. Slowly he became friends with his Captain. They were the best team, Starfleet ever knew.

Spock felt that his relationship with his Captain is more than an ordinary friendship, but he never admit it. In the presence of someone he never showed feelings and even absolutely denied of having feelings. However when he lay in his bed in the safety of his own room, he thought about the relationship with the Captain. _I know I feel more than simple friendship for Jim. Whenever we sat in his room playing chess and talking about the ship and many other things, I wish to touch him and to know how his skin felt like. I love Jim. I know it, __but that's not permitted for me. I do not deserve someone, who loves me and takes care for me since my childhood. I am not worth of it. I am like dirty garbage. I have not even the right to be friends with Jim. Jim deserves more than I am._ The emotional conflict among his feelings for Jim and the painful memories of his childhood bothered him.

When he slid into a light sleep, he had once again a nightmare. It was the same as always, the nightmare about the painful memories of his childhood.

_It happened in his childhood on Vulcan. As half Vulcan and half human he was bullied from most of his schoolmates and had only five friends, which were older than him. At the age of twelve Earth years his friends and schoolmates, which are five grades above him, hurt him. Someday they played in the ancient ruins near their school. Suddenly his friends knocked him around until he couldn't move, then four of his friends held Spock and the fifth of his friends came and rip off his clothes. Spock tried to cry out for help in fear, but no one heard his cries. They threw him down to the ground, so that Spock lay on his stomach. He couldn't move because of his injuries and four of his friends held him down. Then one of his friends pushed his erected cock inside Spock's body. Spock felt like he would rip in two pieces. His schoolmates cruelly raped him rotational again and again. When they left him badly injured lying on the ground, they spat on him and laughed about him. He had tried crying for help, but he couldn't. Then he lost consciousness. _

_Ambassador Sarek was worried about his son even he wouldn't admit it, because Spock was late. So Sarek searched for his son. An hour later he found his son unconscious and naked in the ruins. He carried Spock to the hospital and told the doctor how he found him._

_After the medical checkup the doctor told Sarek about the injuries and that his son has been raped. Sarek was shocked. The next three days he didn't leave the hospital, because of his son. When Spock woke up he was there. Then he left his son alone, he didn't want to admit his worry. Spock had never told Sarek, who laid violent hands on him, even if he asked._

_Spock was ashamed of what his "friends and schoolmates" had done to him. In the fact he never spoke about his emotional pain. His schoolmates hurt him not only physical. The deepest wounds were hidden deep in his soul. He had trusted his schoolmates until they abused him. He only withdrew into himself._

Spock woke up, because he has heard a cry. He needed a moment until he realized that he was the one who has cried. He was shaking like a leaf. He hoped that no one heard his cry.

One moment later the Captain ran into his room. He stopped breathing when he saw his friend shaking and an expression of deep emotional pain in his eyes. Then Jim walked across the room and laid his hand on Spock's shoulder.

"What's wrong, Spock?" Jim asked softly.

"It is all right." Spock answered with a broken voice.

Jim took Spock into an embrace and held him close.

"Be honest Spock, I'm your friend." Jim said quietly.

For a short moment Spock relaxed in the warmth of Jim's embrace, but then the deep fear and pain overwhelmed him again and he escaped out of Jim's arms and pressed his back against the wall.

Spock murmured with a low and broken voice: "Please don't hurt me."

Jim was surprised and looked into Spock´s eyes, he saw a deep fear and pain he couldn't explain.

"Spock, I won't hurt you. I would never hurt you. You are important to me, you are my friend." Jim replied softly and thought: _You are more than a friend. I love you, Spock._

"I won't hurt you, I would never hurt you." Jim repeated slowly approaching to Spock and reaching out his hand.

When Jim said this to Spock, he calmed down a little.

"Please do not touch me. I am not worth of it." Spock said with much grief and despair in his voice.

"Spock, what's wrong? Please tell me." Jim asked with a pleasant voice.

After a moment of silence Spock began to speak.

"Thank you, Jim. You help me to calm down a little, it is all right now. Please understand, Jim." Spock said, but his voice was still broken.

"All right, Spock. I understand, but if you want to talk, you know where I am. Don't forget, I'm always there for you, my friend." Jim replied with an encouraging voice.

After that Jim left the room and went into his own room. And Spock looked after him and thought: _I wish I could talk to you, share my painful memories with you and explain what I feel. I wish that more then everything, but I cannot._

When Jim entered his room he felt so helpless, because he didn't know how he could help Spock. After he had thought a moment about the situation, he went to his desk sat down and pushed the button from the communicator and call for sickbay.

"What's wrong, Jim? Do you know how late it is?" McCoy asked.

"Bones, can you come to my room, please? I need … a friend … and maybe your advice." Jim replied with a slow and tired voice.

"All right, Jim. I'll come." McCoy answered.

Five minutes later McCoy stood in front of his friend, who was sitting behind his desk and burying his face in his hands.

"What's wrong, Jim?" McCoy asked carefully.

Jim looked up to McCoy and responded with a low voice: "I'm highly worried about Spock."

McCoy asked with a questioning look at his face: "What's the matter with your pointy-eared first officer?"

Jim began to explain the situation. McCoy listened attentively in silence.

"An hour ago I've heard a short and shrill cry. It came out of Spock's room. When I entered the door, I've found him sitting on the bed and shaking like a leaf with a terrible expression of deep fear and pain in his eyes. I've laid my hand on his shoulder and tried to calm him down and speak with him, but he said with a broken voice that's all right. However it's impossible to believe that. Then I took him into an embrace trying to reach him with my voice. For a short time he relaxed in my arms, but then he escaped and the terrible expression of deep fear and pain in his eyes was there again…"

"I don't know what I should do and how I can help him." Jim added after a short break.

"You are right, Jim. That's sounds alarming. We have to help him. Please come tomorrow morning with Spock to sickbay, but maybe you shouldn't say where you are going. I don't think that he want to come to sickbay. Is that okay with you? Now you can set your mind at rest." McCoy explained after a one second thought.

"I'm relieved to hear that. Thank you, Bones. I hope we can help him." Jim said with a little spark of hope in his voice.

"If he decided to trust us, his friends, and talk about his feelings, then I'm confident that we're able to give him the support he needs. But for now you have to rest, Jim. Otherwise I let the security bring you to sickbay. We'll talk tomorrow. Good Night, Jim!" Bones explained to Jim.

"You're right, Bones, I'm tired. Good Night, Bones!" Jim said with a big grin on his face.

Then Jim went to his bed and lay down and McCoy left Jim's room and hurried back to his office next to sickbay.

Next morning when Jim entered the bridge he wondered that Spock wasn't there, yet. But a moment later Spock entered the bridge with his usual controlled face, just as always. Nothing in Spock's behavior was reminiscent of last night, but Jim knew it's only an illusion.

"Good morning Mr. Spock, please come with me. Scotty, you have the command." Jim ordered.

"Aye Aye, Sir." Mr. Scott replied.

Then Jim and Mr. Spock entered the turbo lift once again.

"Deck five." Jim told the Computer.

"What do we want on Deck five, Captain?" Spock asked.

"Call me Jim. We're friends, aren't we?" Jim replied with a little smile on his face.

"Right, Jim, but we are on-duty. Where are we going?" Spock answered after a short break.

"You'll see soon, Spock." Jim responded with a trace of a grin on his face.

When they stood in front of the door to sickbay, Spock gazed at his Captain and friend. Then he asked: "Why are we here? Are you sick or hurt? Or do you have mental problems? Then I should go back to the bridge." As he said this, Spock turned around ready to go back to the bridge.

"No Spock, stay here." Jim said.

At this moment Spock turned around and faced up to Jim with a gaze.

"I am not hurt or sick. Neither I have mental problems", Jim continued, "but … you have."

"As I already told you, I am all right", Spock answered with a controlled voice, "and I do not have any mental problems, I am a Vulcan and Vulcan's do not…."

Jim interrupted Spock: "I know, but it's only an excuse. I don't want to hear your excuses."

Then Jim continued with a very gentle voice: "Spock, as I already told you, I'm your friend, you can be honest. However we should go in, Bones is waiting for us."

With those words Jim entered sickbay. Spock hesitated and thought about Jim's words, but then he followed him. Deep hidden in his soul he knew, that he needed help, and one side of him wanted to tell his friends how he felt and also wanted to express his love for Jim.

"Ah there you are, I've been waiting for you."Bones said, as they entered sickbay, and gave Spock a knowing glance with a warmth expression in his eyes.

"Please come in my office." Bones continued and pointed at a door to their left, after a short break for breathing.

Jim went first, Spock hesitated a moment, but Bones put his hand on Spock's shoulder. Spock felt the warmth by the gentle touch and turned around and saw the encouraging nod and the warmth expression in Bones eyes. Spock knew his friends only wanted to help him and then he decided to go into the room. Bones came after him.

Three chairs were standing in the middle of the office. Jim sat down then Spock and then Bones.

Bones grasped the word and said with a trace of warmth in his gentle voice: "Spock, Jim told me about last night. That's the reason we're here; I think you know that already. We want to help you, because we're your friends and friends are always there for each other. We're worried about you."

Spock was quiet. He felt an urgent need to talk. He had not the strength to fight against the need any longer. He wanted to talk, but he couldn't although he knew his friends were there for him.

Bones knew that they couldn't pressure him; he will talk if he was willing to do so.

"Please … let me return to duty, I … cannot speak about." Spock murmured with a broken voice.

Jim wanted to contradict, but Bones held him back and whispered in Jim's ear: "Let him, Jim; he has to trust us before he'll talk."

Then Bones said to Spock with a gentle voice: "It's all right, Spock, but please remember either of us will always be there for you. You can come to sickbay at every time. You can talk to me as a friend or as a doctor with medical secrecy."

"Thank you, doctor." Spock replied trying to control his voice. After saying that, Spock turned around and left sickbay.

"Why did you let him go, Bones? He hadn't talked." Jim asked with a trace of anger in his voice.

"Jim, we couldn't pressure him, if we do so he would never talk to us or trust us. He will talk if he is willing to do so." Bones replied.

"I'm sorry, Bones, you're right. I'm just worried." Jim said after he had thought about Bones words.

"I'm worried, too; but we have to give him the time he needs." Bones returned gently.

Jim said goodbye and returned to the bridge. Spock was already there. It seemed that he regained control about his body and voice. He welcomed Jim with the usual phrase.

"Welcome back, Captain." Spock said.

The eight hour duty passed without incidents. The usual game of chess after every duty time between Jim and Spock passed with an unnatural silence. Jim followed Bones words even it was hard for him.

After the game Spock left Jim's room and entered his own room. He laid down on his bed and thought about the meeting in sickbay. _I know Jim and Bones want to help me, but how should I speak about my memories; I have never spoken about it. In the fact I want to tell them, but I do not know how. It is too painful. I want to tell Jim that I love him, but maybe he will hate me then. I do not think there is a chance that he will return my love. Also I am not worth of his love. The nightmares every night torturing me, perhaps it would help to speak about it. I wish I could speak about my memories, I know Bones had medical secrecy and Jim would never tell someone. I have not even talked to ambassador Sarek, although he is my father, but I had never trusted him, maybe because he never showed me that he loved me and was worried about me. I know I can trust Bones and Jim, they are my friends. Maybe I should try to talk about with them, but not yet. I should not think about things like that, because I have grown up on Vulcan, but I am half human._

His mixed feelings tortured him and he couldn't sleep. He got up and went to sickbay; he was totally lost in thoughts and tortured by his memories. He knew he had not the strength to fight against his mixed feelings any longer. He has not slept for more than a week. He thought: _I need help, now. I do not know if I am ready to speak about my memories, but I have to try right now._

When he entered sickbay Bones sat behind his desk greeted him.

"Hello Spock, please come in my office and take a seat."

Spock went to the desk and asked: "I hope I am not disturbing you, doctor?"

"Don't worry, Spock. Well, then take a seat." Bones replied and pointed in the middle of the room. The three chairs were still there.

Spock hesitated a moment then he sat down on one of those chairs. Then Bones get up behind his desk and went in the middle of the room and sat down beside Spock.

"Do you want to talk, Spock?" asked Bones softly.

Spock took a deep breath then he answered slowly: "I want to try, but … I do not know if … I am able to speak about it."

"Take the time you need, I'm here." Bones said gently.

"I hope you will observe the medical secrecy. The memories of my childhood torturing me, every night I have the same nightmare." Spock said with a trace of fear in his voice.

"Of course I will observe the medical secrecy, Spock. I am always there for you, my friend." Bones replied.

"I am afraid of my own feelings, I try to hide them, but I cannot, my feelings are too painful if I remembering my childhood." Spock tried to explain.

"What do you feel?" Bones asked softly.

"It is about the Captain, I could not explain it …" Spock continued, but his voice broke off.

"You feel more then friendship for him? Am I right? Spock there is no need to be shy." Bones drew conclusions from Spock's words.

"You are right. I do not really know about such things. When I see him I want to touch him, I want to know how an embrace feels like, but last night I panicked. Maybe I love him. But that makes the nightmares, the fear and the pain only going from bad to worse." Spock said with big sadness in his voice.

"Love is a wonderful gift. Why is that so painful for you? Spock what happened to you in your childhood?" Bones asked.

Spock took a deep breath, before he began to speak: "It happened when I was 12 years old; Because of my human half most of the Vulcan people bullied me and avoided me. I had only five "friends", at least I thought they were my friends, they were older than me and I trusted them … But on that day they hurt me, more than you can think of …"

Spock broke off shedding tears; he buried his face in his hands and was trembling. Bones hesitated, he wasn't sure what to do, because it was Spock who showed him so suddenly his feelings, that wasn't atypical for Vulcan's. Then he slowly took Spock into an embrace and held him and rocked him slowly. After a short time Spock began to relax in Bones embrace and calmed down.

"I am sorry, Bones. I do not want to show you so suddenly my feelings. I am ashamed of myself." Spock said after calming down.

"Spock, It's all right. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Please continue with your story, what have your friends done to you? The memories are painful for you, but you will feel relieved if you talk about it." Bones explained trying to encourage Spock.

"After school we went to the ruins near school to play "hide and seek", but then they began to hit me and then four of them held me and the fifth ripped off my clothes and … and then they pushed me to the ground and held me and … then they did it again and again. They defiled me …" Spock couldn't continue.

"Do you mean they raped you?" Bones asked very carefully.

Spock nodded, but he couldn't speak. Bones could feel the pain, which tortured his friend. He held Spock closer and said softly, but nevertheless for certain:

"They hurt you physical and also they hurt your feelings. That was not your fault. You have to remember this. They took advantage of you when you were helpless. For all of that it was not your fault."

Bones held Spock close and rocked him slowly until Spock relaxed and calmed down, then he let him and asked softly: "How do you feel, Spock?"

"I feel a bit relieved, but the pain and fear is not gone." Spock answered slowly.

"The pain and fear are a part of you since your childhood. You need to handle the pain and fear, it will take more time. Speaking about your memories was the first step of a long process." Bones explained to Spock.

"You haven't talked with Jim about your feelings, have you?" Bones asked.

"No. He would hate me, if I express my love. Even I am not worth of his love. I am filthy." Spock said with sadness in his voice.

"Spock, listen to me. You are not filthy, even if you feel like that. You are worth of love and you need love! Jim would never hate you, you know that. Think of it. But first you need rest. I'll accompany you to your room." Bones said softly, but for certain.

Then Bones and Spock went to Spock's room. Bones waited until Spock lay on his bed and sat down beside Spock.

Then Bones patted Spock's shoulder gently and said: "I want to speak with you tomorrow again. But now Good Night, Spock. Rest well."

The next morning Spock felt rested and relieved. Then he began to prepare himself for duty. Before he was ready the door buzzed and Jim entered the room.

"Spock, I want to speak with you. … I am sorry, Spock. I want to apologize for pressuring you. I should behave me more like a friend." Jim said.

"There is no need to apologize, Jim." Spock answered.

"There is, Spock. The game of chess yesterday was very silent. What do you think of eating breakfast together, before duty?" Jim asked with a warm smile.

"Of course, Jim." Spock answered.

They ate breakfast together and then they went to the bridge. Both of them enjoyed the companionship of each other. After duty they played the usual game of chess in Jim's room, but it wasn't as silent as the evening before. After the game Spock went to sickbay like Bones had said.

When Spock entered sickbay Bones asked with a smile on his face: "How do you feel after our conversation yesterday?"

"I am all right. I feel a strange feeling of relief. This night I could sleep without a nightmare. The memories are still there, but they do not torturing me so often like before. It was the right decision to speak about." Spock answered with his normal calm voice.

"I'm happy to hear that. But think of your feelings for Jim, you should talk to him, he must know and you need to know how he felt. When you need my help, you always can come to sickbay. I am always there for you, exactly like Jim." Bones said with a smile on his face.

When Spock went in direction of his quarters he stopped at Jim's room and stand there for a while. He didn't know exactly what to do. One part wanted to enter Jim's room pull him in an embrace and explain how he felt, but the other part, the Vulcan part, didn't want to lose his dignity. He simply stood in front of Jim's room for more than thirty minutes. Then Jim came out of his quarters and saw Spock standing in front of him.

"Spock, I was just on my way to you. I need to talk to you. Would you come in?" Jim asked.

Spock followed Jim and when the door shut behind them they stood in the middle of the room simply looking at each other.

Then Jim suddenly grabbed his shoulder and kissed him. First Spock was surprised, returned the kiss, put his arms around Jim and pulled him closer, but then the fear overwhelmed him again and he flinched. He pressed his back against the wall trembling all over.

"I love you, Spock. You don't love me, do you? But why you´ve returned the kiss if you don't love me?" Jim asked with a said voice.

"Jim, I… love you, too… But you shouldn't love me. I'm not worth of your love." Spock said with a low voice.

"Spock, what's wrong? Why do you think this nonsense? Please, tell me. I will listen. I love you, Spock. Please believe me." Jim asked carefully, while he took Spock's hand in his own stroking it gently.

"Jim… I love you. But there are terrible memories of my childhood. I will tell you, but it is horrible." Spock answered.

"Jim… On that day my friends hurt me, at least I thought they were my friends… They'd raped me…" Spock continued slowly.

"I'm sorry, Spock. I didn't know. But I love you, no matter what had happened. I would never hurt you and I won't pressure you to do something, what you don't want. Trust me." Jim said softly while taking Spock into his arms.

Spock relaxed in Jim's arms. He knew he could trust Jim.

"Spock, I love you. Can I touch you? Will you trust me?" Jim asked softly.

"Jim, I love you, too. I trust you. I want to touch you, too. But what if I panic?" Spock said carefully.

"Spock, I will be slowly and if you panic I'll stop. You can trust me." Jim answered encouraging.

"I trust you. Please kiss me." Spock said.

Jim held Spock close and kissed him first softly then more firmly. His tongue seeking entry in Spock's mouth.

Spock opened his mouth and let Jim explore his mouth. He pressed his body against Jim's and moaned. He could feel Jim's erection against his thigh, and it doesn't frighten him only making him happy. He could feel his body respond to their kissing.

Jim slipped his hands beneath Spock's shirt and caressed his back and Spock moaned. Then he parted slightly and asked: "Spock, do you want to go to bed? I don't want to frighten you, but I love you and want to make love with you. Is it too much for you at the moment?"

Spock pressed Jim close and answered: "I love you too, Jim. I want to forget my past. I trust you, Jim, please let me feel you."

"Ok, Love, but if you're get frightened then tell me." Jim said quietly and pulled Spock closer.

They kissed again and make their way to Jim's sleeping area, without parting. Then they are put off their boots and sit down on the bed. Slowly Jim began to undressing Spock and kissing every inch of Spock's skin. Then Jim undressed himself so quickly as possible and they lay down together.

Jim caressed Spock's chest and began to lick his nipples. Spock craved for Jim's touch and wanted to feel him everywhere, so he grabbed Jim's hand and pressed it down his belly to his erection: "Please, Jim, please touch me."

Jim grabbed Spock's shaft and stroked it first slowly then faster. Spock moaned reaching down to Jim's cock and stroking it in rhythm until both cried out and came.

Then they arranged each other under the blanket pulling close and quickly falling asleep.

When Spock awoke he felt safe in Jim's arms, his T'hy'la. He realized that the shadows of his past were gone. He kissed Jim to wake him up.

Slowly Jim woke up and began to reply the kiss. Then he asked: "Spock, Love, are you all right?"

"Yes, T'hy'la. I am very happy to be with you." He answered and kissed Jim once more.


End file.
